Happynow

Often an abuser has been abused themselves and it maybe hard for them to think this is wrong. A victim may also think their abuser is right and they are wrong which isn't true, but this false belief needs to be examined before healing is possible.

Being on the receiving end of abuse may not always be clear in the mind of a victim. Especially if the victim has suffered long term damage, has compassion for the abuser or has suffered neglect as a child. To try and understand an abuser could be a way of controlling the abuse, stopping it and to achieve a result where everyone is happy. In theory this would sound ok but this would be difficult to achieve if the victim has suffered psychological damage for a long period. A desire to help may also stem from a fear of personal harm if the abuser is punished leading to revenge toward the victim. Original childhood neglect may be the motivation for the victim to concentrate on helping the abuser instead of helping himself.

I don't know what percentage of abusers go to therapy for help. I guess it's a big step to come to the conclusion what they are doing is wrong and an even bigger step to have the courage to seek help. Just like every client there are risks, but a professional therapist should be unbiased, non judgemental and certainly not abusive. However we know from these boards that this doesn't always happen. I would imagine victims of abuse are more likely to seek help, but solving the problem would be difficult if they are dependant on the abusers. In a case like this the local authorities would need to get involved.

I have realised that with many disagreements in life people like to have more numbers on their side to win an argument. This doesn't make them right after all it isnt a democratic situation, but a sharing of different opinions. When there are one to one's and power is shared it is far easier to be assertive and also to reach a compromise. Therapy is an illusion that this is a one to one too. With the gentle, listening, empathic therapist sitting opposite us. However it isnt. When there are differing opinions we soon realise that they are not alone, but we are. It is likely we haven't told a single soul we are going to see a therapist either. They have their supervisor, their rules, boundaries and the whole weight of the therapy industry including legal representation if required. We have nothing. Forums like this are so important to make us realise we are not alone and that support, certainly for me, has been wonderful in regaining my confidence against the might of the therapy industry.

Although we are critical of therapists because of the harm they have caused I think we are all aware of how complex our minds are. Therapists think they know the answers but often they don't, in fact often it's quite the reverse. With this in mind I think we are cautious of offering specific advice even though posters may be looking for that. We have been damaged and the last thing we would want to do is damage someone else with wrongful advice. Rather coming here is a meeting place for those with common experiences where we converse on an equal basis with each other. One thing I have learnt is that deep in our minds we already know the answers and those answers rise to the surface when we talk and others listen. This seems to be more natural and free from damage as we are in control and working with our own boundaries.

Hi Finley, Welcome! Don't worry you won't be criticised here, just post in your own time when you're ready. This place is the opposite to harmful therapy.

Welcome Lexie it's good here, sometimes a little quiet, but quality is better than quantity. The one thing that is required in therapy is consistency from the therapist. It needs to be a safe place. That is the therapists responsibility. If he has changed its his responsibility definitely not yours. I'm not surprised you are confused that reaction is completely normal. I've learnt that if a person is irresponsible we walk away we don't spend time thinking about it because that just increases our anxiety. There are plenty more around and if the next one doesn't work we move on to the next and so on. Good luck.

To actually not listen is both rude and shows very poor social skills in everyday life yet alone in therapy. I really find that quite incredible. A mind already made up is a very narrow one. I can't see where the therapist can grow as a person so therefore cannot possibly help their clients.

Then I'm guessing we are at the mercy of their life experience which is hugely variable.

Welcome RF5. After a while here you will realise you are alright and the therapist needs therapy.

Ironically they learn from us not the other way around even though they grab the higher ground for appearances and to try and gain authority. IMO it's their defence mechanism.

Trip, I have been happy to find this forum too. For me it has been more beneficial than most of the therapists I have seen. One could be forgiven thinking that this forum is littered with crazy people kicked out by therapists. Absolutely the opposite. Posters on here are sane, stable and intelligent and of course they are extremely helpful because they all experienced the same issues with therapists we have. Therapists, believe me, they are the crazy ones. Good luck on your journey.

Therapists are The/rapists of our minds.

Welcome ifyouknowmenoyoudont. I haven't been here very long, but already I have found it hugely helpful with my healing. It appears to me the further we are away from therapists the better we become. This gives us confidence in our inner resources. Good wishes.

This is the problem. If they do harm, which they often do they do not take any responsibility. Doing so would conflict with their 'perfect appearance' they like to project. Those who still like therapists after they have harmed a client are sucked into and believe this 'perfect appearance' bs. Therapists are quite often completely wrong.

I don't think we can win with a therapist. If we get on well they get terrified they will get struck off and if we don't get on it ain't gonna work. I personally find it completely unnatural to be in a room every week for months, to talk about our innermost feelings, and not to get close, attached. I think that is healthy and normal. Hurt by therapy was completely right and normal to say she was like a friend. In my job as a support worker we have a term called 'professional friendship' which I like, but I have made personal friendships. Even with that I still did my job professionally. Therapists have too many hang ups and these hang ups are what disturbs the clients.

I was between a rock and a hard place. I wanted to get better but was really concerned about getting discarded again. I didn't know what other type of treatment to have. The major point of my concern was if I told the new therapist about my last therapist that she would be on her side and I would be distraught. That's why it took me a year to go to another one. A year when my depression came back. Eventually I didn't have a choice and I took the plunge. Luckily she agreed with me phew! This highlights the problem that clients badly hurt by therapy have simply nowhere to go (apart from here) whilst therapists have their Supervisor to support them. A crazy situation.

Those three points are for me the definition of good mental health and a stable mind. We had all three before we became disturbed, generally by someone else's irrational behaviour in real life. We still had some common sense left though and sought help from someone who advertised they could help us with our situation. Unfortunately the therapists often don't possess any of those three points and disturb us further until we get to the point where we say 'Shes mad I'm ok' is that how it's supposed to work? A kind of reverse psychology??

Can you imagine a hospital throwing someone out with a broken leg? That's what it was like for me and I guess I'm by far not the only one. They operate in flight not fight mode. The worst part being that they take no responsibility for their actions. They even have the arrogance to hide under the word 'professionalism' when many of them are dangerous amateurs. My therapist did help me a lot for nine months then she suddenly changed, withdrew her support and discarded me like a bit of rubbish. I returned to depression for another year until I found a therapist who said her actions were wrong. By this time though I didn't trust anyone.

Hi HelloUniverse000, A really good friend became a therapist and I also worked for a therapist. I like to think that most therapists do it for the right reasons, but I haven't met one who didn't have issues. In fact I think although they do it to help others they are also searching for their own answers. We seek wisdom from them but sadly most of them don't possess it. I believe that is why their training is rigid and narrow. If it wasn't their emotional immaturity/ arrested development will shine through. I certainly saw that with both the therapists I knew personally. I was lucky to have that insight and it helped me to view the therapists I saw professionally in a more realistic way. I have definitely received more wisdom and stability from friends who weren't therapists, those people who have suffered too and not read a book. Looking back because I have finished therapy now I think therapy has helped me because I was desperate to offload in a weekly way which I couldn't do with friends, but I would advise anyone going into therapy that they (the ones I saw anyway)are not reliable or passionate about what they do. It's a real tricky one. We need to be vulnerable, but not defenceless.

A male friend of mine went to see a therapist and one day after a few sessions complimented her on her appearance. She asked him if he secretly liked dressing in women's clothes.

My first reaction was to laugh, but this stuff is seriously worrying. If we were seeing someone at the end of the pier on a fun day out at the seaside we would be light-hearted about it, but these are supposed to be highly trained professionals. I do wonder how many families, relationships they have destroyed and how many clients have taken their own lives because of them.

This is so true. It's like they have set themselves up on a pedestal of knowing all the answers, but they don't know what life experiences the person opposite them has had. They think three years studying from a book gives them more knowledge than fifty years life experience. So when they get challenged they feel threatened instead of being open and considering different ideas. So they become defensive because in their lofty position of a few years training they know all the answers. The client is there for personal growth, but the therapist isn't and if the challenge continues they either say we are crazy or they throw us out or both. Often the reason we started therapy was because we have experienced neglect, abandonment and rejection and now they have just repeated it. Great!

When we want stability they give us fantasy, walk away and leave it with us. Then they blame us for its consequences, so irresponsible.

Thank you zygomaticus. It's been amazing so far the opposite of bad therapy. I can feel the guilt flowing from me. How exciting!