Therapust Qualities

[Mary S]

I've often heard it said that a good therapist should be a warm person. Trouble is, I don't go around thinking of people in terms of whether or not they are warm. Looking in a dictionary, or even a book of synonyms, hasn't been helpful, because "warm" as a personality characteristic is just one of many meanings of the word. When I've looked it up on the web, I've gotten links to sites saying things like "How to be charismatic" -- and charismatic is definitely not a characteristic I'd like in a therapist.

But today, I tried again, and found this site, which gives the following definitions of "warm" and "moral"

Quote

A sociable, happy, agreeable, funny and playful person was considered “warm.” By contrast, a courageous, fair, principled, responsible and honest person was considered “moral.”

I'd sure choose the latter over the former -- and the article reports on a study that concluded that most people agree.

My conclusion: The people who advise therapy clients to look for a "warm" therapist are giving poor advice. Possibly they are people who consider themselves "warm" and put that characteristic over being "moral"?

 

[Mary S]

Oops -- title of thread should be "Therapist Qualities," not "Therapust". But I kinda like "therapust " --  perhaps a kind of Freudian slip? Kinda like a cross with "pustule"?

[Eve B]

I think good therapists need to have both moral/ethical qualities as well as a "warm" personality. To me, being "warm" means being easy to talk to by properly empathizing and not just knowing and following the rules. If I believe that my therapist practices with a solid moral foundation, I'll open up to a certain extent, but if he also shows a "warm" and engaging personality, I'll likely open up more.       

[Mary S]

4 hours ago, Eve B said:

...To me, being "warm" means being easy to talk to by properly empathizing and not just knowing and following the rules. ...

That definition of "warm" seems OK with me, but my impression is that what a lot of therapists seem to consider "empathizing" doesn't seem like showing accurate empathy to me -- for example, a lot of them seem to consider saying "You feel  X" to be empathizing, but for me it's quite the opposite of accurate empathy when someone says that to me -- to me, it's inconsiderate, "in my face" behavior.. But perhaps you don't consider "You feel X" applied as a rule to be properly empathizing?

[Eve B]

I think therapists shouldn't assume to know the client's feelings and, especially, not by saying in a direct-know-it-all tone "You feel X" this or that when, maybe, you actually don't. But even if you did feel the way a therapist is claiming, good empathy seems to be an intuitive quality where "You feel X" is rephrased and respectfully communicated so that the client feels safe and understood. Many therapists will fail the empathy test because of ignorance (they often don't realize how they come across) or arrogance (they refuse to believe that they said or did anything wrong). Client candidness can probably help with the former, but therapists who stubbornly show the latter should be dumped as soon as possible.  

[Mary S]

Just out of curiosity, I tried looking up some references on empathy in counseling and psychotherapy on the web. This one seemed particularly interesting and thoughtful to me (although I recognize that it might be too nerdy for everyone's taste).

[Eve B]

That article seems to say that empathy is subjective and variable depending on the therapist relationship/alliance and that empathy is similar to but separate from "acceptance and warmth." I agree with the point that therapists aren't any better than self-help books if they don't or can't provide proper empathy for their clients.  I'm not so sure that good empathetic skills can be effectively taught in schools, though. I think the adequately empathetic therapist would need to already have a naturally compassionate personality and then refine and further develop that empathy through experience. 

[Mary S]

Something I see as an essential part of the ability to have accurate empathy is the belief that everyone is different, so that a one-size-fits-all approach to empathy is likely to be off the mark more often than not.