My bad experience in therapy (transference/countertransference, multiple boundaries crossed, therapist disclosure through another therapist)

[Nkit]

Hi everybody, 

I (F late 20s) just wanted to describe my bad experience in therapy. 

Since last summer, I've been going to a health clinic twice a month to get therapy. In my country, psychiatrists can give talk therapy and as I was really struggling at the time (not working, physical and mental problems, not getting with my family), I just went for the first available therapist, who turned out to be a psychiatrist. For the first two sessions, I literally just cried and she (F mid 30s) hardly said anything. She kept on recommending SSRIs and between sessions, she would call me to ask how I was adjusting to the medication (badly).

Our fourth session was really weird, seeing as I got a flirtatious vibe from her. I was her last patient of the day and honestly that session ended badly, given that she asked me if I'm into women. At first, I just sidestepped her question, but as she kept on insisting ("You know this is a safe space, you can tell me anything" while making puppy dog eyes), I finally put my foot down and said that my personal life is not the reason I'm in therapy, that I have boundaries and that there are some things that I'd rather keep to myself. After I  said that I've had boyfriends in the past, she sort of snapped back into reality and seemed shocked by her own behaviour. Maybe she realised that her questions were more for her benefit / curiosity. In any case, for that session, she wrote the doctor's note all in red and placed the stamp in the wrong location. Moreover, she wrote that our next appointment would be in February, which given the fact that we were in August, was also really bizarre. Lastly, she also seemed kind of freaked out that our session went overtime by 20 minutes. 

It just so happens that a relative of mine also goes to the same health clinic. I didn't tell her the details of my therapy sessions, but confessed that I'm seeing said psychiatrist and that I wasn't sure if I should continue with her. Anyway, in September my relative talked with her psychologist about how I wasn't sure if I should continue therapy with said psychiatrist. Her psychologist went on to tell her that my psychiatrist had just handed in her resignation ("Good news for nkit, her psychiatrist just handed in her resignation!") and would leave at the end of the year, because she was experiencing marital problems with her husband. In addition to that, she allegedly also didn't get along with her co-workers at the health clinic ("She's too set in her ways") and received multiple complaints from patients (I myself never complained about her). According to my relative's psychologist, my psychiatrist lacked experience ("She's too young and not dedicated to her job"). 

All this information was relayed to me before my next session with my psychiatrist during which I braced myself for the news that she was leaving. Strangely, during that session she never told me she was leaving. For some strange reason, I started feeling attached to her and felt sad that she was leaving, thinking that I'd have to start the whole therapy process anew with someone else. I guess I developed what therapists call 'transference' for her. At our next session, she finally revealed that she was leaving and even noted in a sheepish manner that she thought she'd already told me (she hadn't). I really didn't know what to do with the insider knowledge I had. Should I have revealed to her that I already knew of her upcoming departure and risk her being angry at my relative and relative's psychologist or should I just keep the information to myself. Ultimately, I chose the latter. 

In November, my relative told me that she asked her psychologist who would be my replacement when my psychiatrist left at the end of the year. According to him, my psychiatrist told him, she'd refer me to a psychologist who's surname starts with the letter H.

In early December and during what was supposed to be our last session (I didn't know that) with my psychiatrist, she seemed really emotional. At one point, tears even fell from one of her eyes and she would mix up words (talking about my daughter, when I don't have any children). I chalked it up to her having dust in her eyes or maybe wearing contacts, but in hindsight I think she may have had countertransference and been really sad. Only in the last 15 minutes of this session did she reveal that this would be the last time we saw each other. She also said that my replacement would be a therapist who just left maternity leave, different from the one whose surname starts with the letter H. Why the change in replacement?

An hour after we said goodbye, my psychiatrist called me to say that I can still call her to talk if I want. I don't know why she offered that to me. It actually just made our goodbye much more difficult. In the end, we decided to have one last session, because I told her I didn't know this was supposed to be our last session. At our last session, however, I totally couldn't focus and kind of acted like a fool by asking too many personal question. I don't know what happened to me, but I felt really heartbroken that this would be the last time we spoke (clinic's policy). 

Since our last meeting, I've been reading a lot of articles about transference and actually stumbled upon a good article Transference Love and Harm by Dawn Devereux. In this article, she talks about adverse idealising transference (AIT), which basically is when a patient transfers idealising feelings from a person in their past onto their therapist. The downside (adverse aspect) is that the patient's transference or idealisation intensifies, rather than abates. One of the therapist actions that can contribute to AIT is when the therapist reveals unsatisfactory aspects about their private life. In my case, it wasn't really my psychiatrist who revealed stuff like that, but her coworker psychologist and my relative. 

I don't know what to do about my feelings of heartbreak. Has anyone else felt really sad about their therapist leaving? How long did it take for you to get over the pain? Or have you had a strange scenario like mine in which you got insider information from another therapist working at the same clinic? Is my relative or her psychologist to blame? Should I have confessed to my psychiatrist that I knew too much?

Would appreciate any input or thoughts you guys may have

[Eve B]

Nkit, welcome and thanks for sharing your story! Attachment and transference are common experiences in therapy, and I still don't fully understand how it happens or why it's so difficult to get rid of. It took me many years and a combination of researching the therapy profession, finding online support from others who have suffered similar stories, and even talking to a "good enough" therapist to neutralize the emotional harm caused by the first one that started it all. The hurt fades with time, but it's never forgotten. I think if that psychiatrist knew about your insider information, it might have dragged you into more unnecessary complications. Did she charge you for your final session?

[Mary S]

I'm sorry that you had such a complex, difficult situation with therapy. I hope you can get past it. I don't think you did anything wrong - -you were             confronted with inappropriate behavior on the part of  the therapist -- and that is not at all your fault.

[Nkit]

2 hours ago, Eve B said:

I think if that psychiatrist knew about your insider information, it might have dragged you into more unnecessary complications. Did she charge you for your final session?

Yeah, I think she would've been angry at her psychologist coworker and he might have gotten into trouble. She didn't charge for the last session. I think she went away thinking she did a great job in therapy with me. Her replacement told me she told her that she wished she could've continued therapy with me. 

Urgh, it was such a tricky situation. 

[Nkit]

2 hours ago, Mary S said:

I'm sorry that you had such a complex, difficult situation with therapy. I hope you can get past it. I don't think you did anything wrong - -you were             confronted with inappropriate behavior on the part of  the therapist -- and that is not at all your fault.

Are there clear guidelines as to what's appropriate or inappropriate? Her question about my sexuality was inappropriate in my opinion. 

As for her psychologist co-worker, I don't think he should have gossiped about her to my relative. The fact that he informed her my psychiatrist was leaving and told her to brace myself for the news was also a bit sketchy. Maybe he didn't like my psychiatrist? 

To be honest this whole experience has made me a bit sceptical of therapists and therapy in general. 

[Eve B]

Many therapists don't seem to show much common sense when it comes to appropriate professional conduct, and they don't want to believe that they're not doing a good job because they're usually very sensitive to client criticism. I'm glad your psychiatrist didn't charge for the final session, but I think therapists should give a refund if they screw up! Competent therapy isn't supposed to leave you feeling more confused and upset than when you started. 

[disequilibrium1]

Nkit,welcome to this forum. So sorry you had to go through this negative experience.
My idealizing transference was never romantic, but it definitely was encouraged by all my therapists performing shaman-like, omniscient roles. Idealizing transference was how I related to many people, the issue I most needed to address if I were to move forward into a more self-determined adulthood. My therapists never realized thisbecause the relationship is so distorted and skewed.

There's a general "do no harm" guideline that hardly seems helpful. I assume therapists are advised to stop something when you tell them. However, if it's harmful or intrusive to you,  then it's wrong. I think the our customs of respect and civility aren't negated at the consulting room door--presumptuousness is still presumptuousness.

It's sometimes helpful cut people to size by imagining the biggest jerk  or mean girl I knew in school going on to be a therapist. (Actually, one class mean girl went on to become a minister, another performatively righteous, but never mind.)

I felt tremendous guilt severing from my most abusive therapist team because of the extreme difficulty of believing my own eyes over their "authority." I somehow "felt," as they asserted, I walked away from their curative powers and the chance to live my best life. It's illogical.

Exploring my illogical reactions has been an interesting expedition far more valuable than any therapy. Wishing you peace and silver linings.

[Mary S]

20 hours ago, Nkit said:

Urgh, it was such a tricky situation. 

Yes, therapy so often is a tricky situation. Sadly.

[disequilibrium1]

On 1/26/2022 at 4:06 AM, Nkit said:

Are there clear guidelines as to what's appropriate or inappropriate? Her question about my sexuality was inappropriate in my opinion. 

As for her psychologist co-worker, I don't think he should have gossiped about her to my relative. The fact that he informed her my psychiatrist was leaving and told her to brace myself for the news was also a bit sketchy. Maybe he didn't like my psychiatrist? 

 

My reading leaves me understanding that their ethical guidelines cover the big stuff like financial or sexual exploitation, confidentiality, etc. There seems huge interpretive wiggle room beyond that, making it very hard for a client to win a grievance. I lost a grievance involving a therapist who bullied me, ridiculed me in front of a group, all while trying to intimidate me to remain under his ..."care." What appears as common sense  to us seems a gray area to them.
I read of extended verbal "seduction" scenarios when I was active on Psych Central--highly damaging to clients, but stopping short of "their" line crossing.
It leaves clients to sort out, discard their "authority" and pick up the pieces. Ultimately we're the employee and hold our own truths. We're the experts on ourselves and our emotions. They're unextraordinary people who got school degrees in procedures and putting humans in categories.