Gaslighting

[Mary S]

I have read about gaslighting, and how it can lead to harmful therapy when a therapist uses it. What I have read presents it as something that is done deliberately to cause the recipient to doubt their sense of reality. For some reason, today I decided to search on "unintentional gaslighting," and came up with http://counsellingresource.com/features/2015/08/31/new-form-gaslighting/ , which does indeed describe unintentional gaslighting. The author calls this

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“inadvertent” or unintentional gaslighting. This can occur when the victim experiences the “gaslighting effect” even though the individual creating the effect is not specifically intending to gaslight for manipulative purposes. Most often this type of gaslighting occurs when the emotionally stronger and/or more highly convicted (whether or not there’s justification for the solidity of their conviction) person argues their point of view so ardently or convincingly that the other party begins to doubt the validity of their own perspective, if not their very sanity. The grandiose, character impaired narcissists are among the types who can produce this gaslighting effect without even half trying. These are the folks who (according to them) are never wrong even in the face of abundant contradictory facts and who never admit to being wrong even when they know they are. Their outright defiance of the reality of things can be so strong at times that they can have you doubting your own grip on reality.

I think this is (more or less) what I encountered often in therapy, but with a couple of departures from the strict description. First, I didn't so much doubt my reality as I felt "disabled" -- confused by the conflict between the therapists' adamant stance and the reality I perceived around me. Second, I tended to react to the "gaslighting" by a sense of seeing myself as "born to be a second-class citizen" -- which was a big part of what I went to therapy for -- I wanted to learn to have the courage of my convictions, not "submit" to a stronger-willed person. But therapy was mainly encounters with a stronger-willed person. I "submitted" in some sense.

i recall once encountering the term "ego distonic," referring to behaving in a way that goes against one's values. I think my sense of worth deteriorated because I so often gave in to the therapists, even though what they said went against what I believed was right.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Mary S
correct typos

[Sylvester McMonkey McBean]

interesting article mary. i am familiar with gaslighting, which was an unfamiliar term until i started reading more about how it can be used in therapy, thus realising that i had experinced it with my T on many occasions.  although, i have not heard of inadvertent/unintentional gaslighting, i can definilty see that my T perhaps did some of that as well. 

although, the thing that struck me in the article, which was written by a clinical T on a counseling website, is that his gaslight example to me sounds no different then what the very dynamics of the therapeutic relationship can become. especially those T relationships fought with strong transference/counter transference between the client and T, which can be more about meeting the Ts needs than helping the client:   

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The tactic of gaslighting is all about making someone feel like they’ve lost contact with reality. More specifically, it’s about making someone believe they have no rational reason to feel the way they feel or believe what they believe. It’s about making them doubt the accuracy and rationality of their perceptions as a way to manipulate them. There are lots of clever ways to do that, as skilled manipulators know all too well. One such way can be leading a person to believe that the relationship you want with them or actually have with them is of a particular character — such as an intimate, exclusive relationship with long term intentions — so that you can abuse or exploit them (e.g., get them to have sex with you) and then acting like the person had no rational reason to think they were anything but a casual encounter in the first place.

 are my views of this too tainted and biased by the past harm caused to me by my T or do others recognise this as well in the dynamics of therapy and the therapeutic relationship?? and i am not saying that the T is trying to exploit the client for sex (like in the example above), but i can clearly see a T doing this to exploit the client to keep them hooked into therapy to continually fulfill emotional and/ or finial needs of the T.  

 

[Mary S]

13 hours ago, Sylvester McMonkey McBean said:

interesting article mary. i am familiar with gaslighting, which was an unfamiliar term until i started reading more about how it can be used in therapy, thus realising that i had experinced it with my T on many occasions.  although, i have not heard of inadvertent/unintentional gaslighting, i can definilty see that my T perhaps did some of that as well. 

although, the thing that struck me in the article, which was written by a clinical T on a counseling website, is that his gaslight example to me sounds no different then what the very dynamics of the therapeutic relationship can become. especially those T relationships fought with strong transference/counter transference between the client and T, which can be more about meeting the Ts needs than helping the client:   

 are my views of this too tainted and biased by the past harm caused to me by my T or do others recognise this as well in the dynamics of therapy and the therapeutic relationship?? and i am not saying that the T is trying to exploit the client for sex (like in the example above), but i can clearly see a T doing this to exploit the client to keep them hooked into therapy to continually fulfill emotional and/ or finial needs of the T.  

 

I  didn't encounter this type of gaslighting, but what you say does seem to fit much of what I have heard others recount about their therapy experiences; that the "therapy relationship"often seems more about meeting the therapist's needs than helping the client. Although perhaps in some instances this might have applied to my therapy experiences -- where the therapist need seemed to be one for power, control, "needing to be right" or dominance, etc.

[AdamP]

Agree that overt gaslighting seems less common than therapists simply exploiting their position of power to get needs met, using subtle manipulation and coercion.  It has to be one of the great lies of the whole practice -- the idea that i's client-focused.  Therapy is by and for therapists. 

[Mary S]

There has been some discussion of gaslighting in therapy in recent issues of Scientific American -- first, in the October 2022 issue, and some follow-up in the February, 2023 issue. (I don't know if these are online, but they may be available on a newsstand or in a local library.)